The Worst Movie Theater in DC

 

We set our camera's filter for "human beings."  This is all we got.

In most major cities, watching a movie is a simple exercise.  It should be: what do you need beyond a largish space reasonably close to hubs of public transportation?  From NYC to Miami, temples of cellulose dot the urban landscape, offering the simple pleasures of salt, butter, and the American Way for a snappy $10 a visit.  What could be easier than running a business where the talent is on tape?

Somehow, DC has found a way to screw this up. 

In DC you must make several decisions before you watch whatever sequel or remake Hollywood has warmed over for your delight.  We will presume you did not want to try find parking in DC before a timed event and that you did not want to spend the price of your ticket on cab fare.

1).  Do you want to watch the movie in the city of Washington, DC?
2).  Do you want to watch a movie you have heard of? 
3).  Do you want to walk less than 15 minutes to see a movie after exiting the metro?

You may pick "yes" for up to two.

Wait. What? Your unreasonable greed compels you to ask for all three?  Are you sure?  Here are some additional questions you must consider:

4).  Do you like the soothing glow of text messaging during a movie?
5).  Do you like hearing 9th graders and their educational equals discuss their personal lives?
6).  Would you like to hear their spawn as well (they tend to ask a lot of questions, especially during quiet scenes)?
7).  Do you like coach-close encounters with America's obesity crisis?
8).  Do you want to hear the Billboard top 10 ... as ringtones?
9).  Do you want to explain how "get a room" really means "get a room someplace else" to the products of DC's 51st place (out of 50) education system?

Unlike questions 1,2, and 3, your answers do not matter: you will end up at one terrible, filthy, delinquent-ridden location.  Welcome to the hell that is Regal Gallery Place Stadium 14, the land that basic civility forgot.  For the record, 14 is the number of screens.  Tickets may cost more.

By a quirk of it being the only metro-accessible movie theater in the city, Regal Gallery Place Stadium 14 has become the gutter of DC's movie going public and functions as a testament to what is wrong in this city.  We could rehash the excellent, accurate, one-star yelp reviews, but we prefer to find our words in classic cinema.

"This IS the college ID you are looking for...move along"
 

Early in the original Star Wars, the learned Obi Won Kenobi guides Luke to a loud, violent spaceport where the only hope is escape. "You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy" he warned while intentionally misdirecting the "authority figures" -- uniformed automatons entirely disinterested in the chaos surrounding them.  There is not a more fitting description of shithole that this movie theater occupies.

But we digress, to close:

The problems of Regal Gallery Place Stadium 14 are greater than simpletons and their spawn ruining first-run movies for everyone else in the city.  While we despise the curfew-dodging loudmouths that seek safe-harbor in this theater on the weekends, this hell zone is a symptom of larger problems in the city, namely:

• Metro closes at 12 a.m. most nights (another post), foreclosing the opportunity for catching later shows elsewhere.
• A lack of movie theaters with first-run movies in accessible areas.
• A rude movie-watching culture emboldened by lax enforcement in the theater.
• Curfew laws are sporadically enforced.  How can these whelps get home training if they are never home?
• No signal interdiction technology in the theater.  (And would a fire be that bad, anyway?)
• A lack of seat-tazers to remotely condition "rebellious" couples.

 
Several of these will be posts, so stay tuned.  In the meantime, take a look at our new movie theater.  For now, it is the best, most convenient, screen we have found in the city.  Popcorn is free.

 Sadly, this is still an improvement.

Bonus:  Play this video on the way to your next visit to Regal Gallery Place Stadium 14.  Actually, play it in the theater on your phone, with the speaker all the way up.  Those "shushes" are only the more thoughtful DC movie-goers applauding your sense of taste and decency.

Bags to Riches, 5¢ at a time

This is a tale of "bags" to riches

If we had a nickel for every time we were forced to decide whether a "bag" would be appropriate for the overpriced food and dry goods in DC ... we'd break even.  For the blissfully unaware, DC shoppers must negotiate nearly every purchase they make with a 5 cent question: "paper or plastic?"  Why?  Because the delightful leadership in the District has levied a "sin tax" on the single greatest item of retail utility: the bag to take your items home.  This apparently is directly tied to efforts to "Save the Anacostia," a river that flows exclusively through the shittiest parts of the city and -- until recently -- has been seen by about 6 people you'd ever want to meet.

Shittiest?  Sure.  Besides running through the worst parts of DC, the river is clogged with the fecal matter (and other refuse) from suburban Maryland residents living near Anacostia tributaries.  If taxing pollutants is the environmental policy de rigueur, it seems there ought to be a tax on toilet paper -- and trash -- in Maryland, not just plastic bags in DC.  By the way who voted for this tax anyway?

 

Oh.  Now we get it.  Referendums still count as "representation"

But, as usual, there is a much simpler cause for our plight.  Have you ever wondered why the Anacostia is just now a problem, after decades of disuse?  DC is trying to revitalize the Navy Yard district that borders the river, which is great ... until you consider that the city is again creating private profits on the public's dime.  In the last 5 years, DC has already invested $611 million of public funds for the perennially worst-in-division Washington Nationals to play and has successfully courted several large commercial development projects in the area.  The river HAS to be cleaned up to attract people to live there, and someone needs to pay for it.  Instead of pooling funds from the developers poised to earn millions from the formerly cheap waterfront real-estate, DC has once again dug into the pockets of her residents under an "earth friendly" guise, making daily life a little worse in the city.

Since the city has already levied additional taxes on established businesses to pay for the stadium, and hiking that pesky 10% income tax on residents isn't going to invite more people over the bridges -- we get to "save the river" one paper-cut at a time.  Plastic, if you prefer.

How is the bag tax ruining the day-to-day lives of DC citizens?  Stay tuned.

Riding Dirty: DC "Cyclists"

Whoever said "you never forget how to ride a bike" has clearly never been to DC. Here bikers, no ... "cyclists" travel in some red bull-fueled, extra-legal nexus where the laws of the road, the sidewalk, and physics don't apply to them. Who knew the green movement didn't have red lights?

Examine Exhibit A, above. You will see at once several things that characterize the self-proclaimed road warriors of DC. (1) Note the light. It is red for every vehicle except that bike in the cross-walk. Lights don't affect bikes because bikes create rainbows, not carbon monoxide. (2) See the pedestrians learn that "right of way" comes with a big asterisk on two wheels with an attitude. (3) See how road-sharing, stopgap methods like, say, BIKE LANES, are irrelevant and unused, even on major thoroughfares of the city?  Bike lanes are just sidewalks with laws; laws add safety, and safety is for wimps. (4). No helmet, of course; cyclists are hard core and disregard all laws, even Isaac Newton's.

Ah yes, DC, where bike helmets, and the brains to fill them, are entirely optional.

Hey cyclists, you may like to know we have a fixed gear vehicle too! It is called a "car" and that gear is called "D." Do you know the speed limit in downtown Washington DC? Neither do we!

Who are we?

This blog is a response to the absurd, infuriating realities that plague those who live and work in the District of Columbia. For sure, there is much to love about the nation's capitol and the quirks that make it unique. However, we are focusing on basic, systematic failures that make living in DC unnecessarily difficult or annoying.

We hope you enjoy your time here. Like DC, it is easy to move on from here -- but we aim to keep the content interesting enough for frequent visits. We are not charging a commuter tax at this time.