The Worst Movie Theater in DC

 

We set our camera's filter for "human beings."  This is all we got.

In most major cities, watching a movie is a simple exercise.  It should be: what do you need beyond a largish space reasonably close to hubs of public transportation?  From NYC to Miami, temples of cellulose dot the urban landscape, offering the simple pleasures of salt, butter, and the American Way for a snappy $10 a visit.  What could be easier than running a business where the talent is on tape?

Somehow, DC has found a way to screw this up. 

In DC you must make several decisions before you watch whatever sequel or remake Hollywood has warmed over for your delight.  We will presume you did not want to try find parking in DC before a timed event and that you did not want to spend the price of your ticket on cab fare.

1).  Do you want to watch the movie in the city of Washington, DC?
2).  Do you want to watch a movie you have heard of? 
3).  Do you want to walk less than 15 minutes to see a movie after exiting the metro?

You may pick "yes" for up to two.

Wait. What? Your unreasonable greed compels you to ask for all three?  Are you sure?  Here are some additional questions you must consider:

4).  Do you like the soothing glow of text messaging during a movie?
5).  Do you like hearing 9th graders and their educational equals discuss their personal lives?
6).  Would you like to hear their spawn as well (they tend to ask a lot of questions, especially during quiet scenes)?
7).  Do you like coach-close encounters with America's obesity crisis?
8).  Do you want to hear the Billboard top 10 ... as ringtones?
9).  Do you want to explain how "get a room" really means "get a room someplace else" to the products of DC's 51st place (out of 50) education system?

Unlike questions 1,2, and 3, your answers do not matter: you will end up at one terrible, filthy, delinquent-ridden location.  Welcome to the hell that is Regal Gallery Place Stadium 14, the land that basic civility forgot.  For the record, 14 is the number of screens.  Tickets may cost more.

By a quirk of it being the only metro-accessible movie theater in the city, Regal Gallery Place Stadium 14 has become the gutter of DC's movie going public and functions as a testament to what is wrong in this city.  We could rehash the excellent, accurate, one-star yelp reviews, but we prefer to find our words in classic cinema.

"This IS the college ID you are looking for...move along"
 

Early in the original Star Wars, the learned Obi Won Kenobi guides Luke to a loud, violent spaceport where the only hope is escape. "You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy" he warned while intentionally misdirecting the "authority figures" -- uniformed automatons entirely disinterested in the chaos surrounding them.  There is not a more fitting description of shithole that this movie theater occupies.

But we digress, to close:

The problems of Regal Gallery Place Stadium 14 are greater than simpletons and their spawn ruining first-run movies for everyone else in the city.  While we despise the curfew-dodging loudmouths that seek safe-harbor in this theater on the weekends, this hell zone is a symptom of larger problems in the city, namely:

• Metro closes at 12 a.m. most nights (another post), foreclosing the opportunity for catching later shows elsewhere.
• A lack of movie theaters with first-run movies in accessible areas.
• A rude movie-watching culture emboldened by lax enforcement in the theater.
• Curfew laws are sporadically enforced.  How can these whelps get home training if they are never home?
• No signal interdiction technology in the theater.  (And would a fire be that bad, anyway?)
• A lack of seat-tazers to remotely condition "rebellious" couples.

 
Several of these will be posts, so stay tuned.  In the meantime, take a look at our new movie theater.  For now, it is the best, most convenient, screen we have found in the city.  Popcorn is free.

 Sadly, this is still an improvement.

Bonus:  Play this video on the way to your next visit to Regal Gallery Place Stadium 14.  Actually, play it in the theater on your phone, with the speaker all the way up.  Those "shushes" are only the more thoughtful DC movie-goers applauding your sense of taste and decency.